Question: Dead Or Alive? Answer: Dead!

DOA: Dead Or Alive Trailer

Dead Or Alive. Are they my only options? Actually, after you witness the trailer, you won't even consider the will to live. This movie is what The Hollywood Slump is all about.

The trailer starts off sickeningly, and just gets worse from there on in. I'd say a lot of people are familiar with the title. 'Dead Or Alive' is the title of a largely successful series of 3D fighting video-games which pits a slew of unique characters against each other, requiring you to master the complex and strategic move-sets assigned to your specific character. The original 'DOA' game has so far spawned 3 official sequels, as well as spin-offs (including a beach volleyball game, taking advantage of the buxom ladies present in all the games).

So too does the movie version. Yes, that's right. Like most successful intellectual properties, the way of motion picture is a popular venture. The movie is basically about the women of the 'Dead Or Alive' games. There's Kasumi, played by Devon Aoki (who I really really liked in Sin City... not in that way, sicko), Tina, played by Jamie Pressley (yep, that girl from Not Another Teen Movie) and Christie, played by Holly Valance (who actually hasn't come that far from her days as Flick from "Neighbours" and those damned 1800-REVERSE commercials). And basically all they do is fight ugly ninja dudes, talk about their problems with men, break a few nails, fight in a bamboo forest, play a bit of volleyball, and fight some other dude. Oh, and all this is done with the three girls almost always nude, or semi-nude. (You don't see anything. Obviously)

THEY KNOW WHAT THEY LIKE
"Don't you think the guy in the second row is cute?" says one of the 5 female fighters, as she looks off-camera.
THEY GET WHAT THEY WANT
"Is there a guy in the world you don't have a crush on?" says Holly Valance, while terrible comical music drags us through hell.
AND GUYS ARE ALWAYS
Devon Aoki pipes up, looking like a melted Cabbage Patch Doll, "You can have him,"
FIGHTING OVER THEM
"but what about the other three hundred?"
Whoosh, zoom up and out to show hundreds of ninja guys running at full speed towards them. A pause to let the audience collect themselves after the elaborate workings of such a fine crafted gag. And just when we all thought it was over...
Tina, the cowboy/hooker/tranny woman delivers the last blow to my struggling tolerance for shitty trailers. "Why don't we just split 'em up evenly?"

And yes, that is basically the trailer. Is there hope for this movie yet? No. There actually isnt. Stanley Kubrick himself could not lift this giant lump of lead, which is destined to sink fast into the depths of our ashamed recollection.

Look for DOA: Dead Or Alive on IMDb's Bottom 100 sometime in 2006.