I've Been Looking Forward To This

No, not the movie, per se.
I've more been looking forward to giving this movie a complete public scathing. Yes, that's right, a scathing. Not usual, for me, I know. But this time it's different. This time, I'm actually offended. This time, it's damaging so much more than impressionable youth and the big business in general. This time it's damaging us writers. Our ideas. Our creative rights. Justice. And all that is good in this world.
Eragon burns all this to the ground. Eragon pisses on the ashes and then Eragon flames the piss to ensure any hope of regrowth is evaporated. Such is Christopher Paolini's ambition. Such is his sleazy way, riding high on the coattails of establishment, recieving mass praise and sums of money to plaguarise and construe a few thousand words and relinquish in its wake.

For those of you who don't know what Eragon is, you are my type of people. But for those of you who are curious as to what it is solely for the purpose of understanding what the hell I'm talking about, Eragon is some shitty fantasy novel about dragons and lame kingdoms and a boy that must triumph and all that same old same old bullshit. It's written by this gumpy 11-year-old that thinks he's some child prodigy. And the book reached #1 on the New York Times Bestseller List.

And then everyone that bought it began to discover some striking familarity to the story of Eragon. Like they've heard the exact same thing before. Like they knew every plot development. Almost reminiscent of a modestly known series like.... STAR WARS!?!?!
No kidding.
Princess sends a message of great importance using an important item to a faraway land. A young boy who lives with his uncle and yearns to leave to be a pilot find this item with the message. The message tells him to find an old hermit that lives nearby. The boy finds the old hermit, and the old hermit wants to help the princess. The old hermit also reveals he is part of an ancient order that has long been thought extinct, and that the boy's father was also part of this order. He then aquires his father's weapon. The boy returns home to find it burnt and destroyed by the empire's soldiers, his uncle killed also. So the boy goes with the old man, with the help of an eccentric character who helps them escape the town. Then they go and save the princess, the old man gives up his life for the young boy by being killed by the evil lord and then it's on to book number two.

Honestly, that plot summary can seriously be used to describe both Eragon and A New Hope. It gets even worse in the sequel. Yes, the boy sees a vision of the old man telling him to seek out an ancient trainer. Yes, the boy abandons his training because he senses his friends are in danger. Yes, the evil lord meets with the Emperor. AND YES, the evil lord turns out to be the boy's father. Hah, what a shock!

For those eagerly anticipating what happens in the third book!!!!! Watch Return of the Jedi!!!! Jabba. Ewoks. Good triumphs over evil, only with sacrifice.
Chris Paolini or whatever you're shit name is, YOU ARE HUMAN GARBAGE. You complete prick.


Now that I've blown off some steam, let me now tell you about the actual movie. The dragons look like the sketches that you see Year 7 dweebs doodling in the library, only worse. Like a big swan with the face of a middle aged woman. The kid looks so fucking out of place, especially in armour. There's a stupid black chick that drags the movie down even further. The crusty old supporting actors, John Malkovich and Jeremy Irons don't even redeem this trash. It has the same old puke-worthy shots of incompetent extras in HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE make-up and costume doing that stupid waddle/run thing. What is that, why do they run like that!? Whenever you see a bunch or orc people running through a village, they always run like their ass is collapsing.
Ahhh my fucking god, I hate this movie beyond words. Do me a favour, be an Eragon hater. It's an excellent EXCELLENT cause.
The landscape is bland as. The creatures consist of the previously mentioned drab and terrible running grunts, Jeremy Irons has a really laboured sword tussle with quite possibly the stupidest looking enemy ever... The special effects are ok, but they'll look like ass in about 6 months. The kid looks like he's been stung by bees. Did I mention the dragons talk? Guh.

Christ Almighty.

Eragon - 20th Century Fox
Anticipation Level: Stay unreleased.
Look out for: A possible lawsuit issued by Lucasfilm. Exhibit P: Eragon stares off longingly into a sunset in a trademark Skywalker fashion.
US Release date: December 15th, 2006.
Trailer Source