I Feel Like I Just Watched The Entire Freaking Movie

Why would I pay to go see this now that I've already viewed the trailer? Why would I recommend others to pay to see it over watching the trailer for free on any number of free to access mediums. Apparently Fox have the elusive answer, although nobody knows it. They still always pull off big hits, when they basically shouldn't due to poor advertising. That being said, I have absolutely no education in marketing. However I am a patron, I am a consumer and I am part of the basis of the marketing strategies. I am the public. Although, I concur, an insignificant minority in said public.

Seemingly, 20th Century Fox have this really closely guarded secret as to why they are so good at succeeding with shitty holiday movies, even if they are given marketing approaches whose main objective is to squeeze all the milk (potentially rancid) out of all the film's big trailer moments. Just like how KFC claim to have 11 'secret herbs and spices'. Both are utter bullshit. Fox just get lucky in the fact that stupid parents will take stupid kids to a stupid movie no matter what, and they probably didn't even see the trailer. They are just so stressed out on having a bunch of kids for the day that they have to get away from any place with knives and into a place where it's dark and loud enough so kids won't hear them sobbing. And KFC is just lying to you. Those herbs aren't secret. What do you think they sprinkle the spicy leaves of the Burning Bush and grated root from the Tree of Life on your drumstick? Every ingredient they use has to be documented by dietary guidelines enforced by a health advisory, and if it's even too secret for that, than those really awesome spices they gloat about must be just clear chemical flavourings.

Which somehow brings me to Deck the Halls!!!! Gotta love the way I don't plan these posts at all.
As mentioned in the title, this is a summarised version of the actual movie. Basically 90+ minutes crammed into 2 awful minutes and 29 forgettable seconds. I suppose there may be some person in this world that wants to know under what context Matthew Broderick gets stuck on a sleigh in tow by runaway horses... but I didn't. And I still don't. And if you think that comedic situation wasn't cliche enough, Broderick ends up treading water in an ice lake. Then naked in bed being felt up and man-handled by Danny Devito. Soooooo predictable.

It's not hard to expose some satirical whimsy out of the Western attitudes toward commercialism, especially in a Christmas movie. This movie even fails to do that! It looks so by the numbers, so incredibly unsure if the kids will giggle at one thing or another, trying so hard to get a laugh out of the 'grown-ups' but trying even harder to dumb everything down. There is just no way I could ever EVER like it. Usually, my pre-judgement is collapsable, I can reconstruct a different stance if I'm wrong about a movie. But I am so sure about this movie being ass that I'm reinforcing this stance with 16 inch of concrete and a giant plate of steel. And that stuff don't come cheap.

If you want the plot, the trailer sums it up beautifully. The beginning, the middle, the end. And it reminds us of those other movies that panned out exactly the same way following the same damn formula and adhering to the same damn studio curfew. Just once I'd like a holiday comedy that for half the movie just follows the formula with the dad that tries too hard and hatches farfetched plans to get recognition, and instead of learning his family loves him regardless of who has the best Christmas lights in the third act... just have the father snap and shell everyone in the neighbourhood. And the rest of the film is just him versus everyone that managed to have a better Christmas display than him. Everyone that sucks, they get to live. But if you get him jealous of your deep pocketed over-extravagance, he'll put a shotgun in your figurative stocking and fire.

I don't know, maybe Fox are smarter than I give them credit for, and Matthew Broderick does actually in fact do that. But I somehow doubt it. I mean, it's Deck the Halls. Not Brutally Massacre the Halls. I only wish.
I'll be very interested in how this actually performs, because the way I've been talking, I make it sound like it's going to go through the roof at the box office. Now that I've said that, I've probably doomed it and this whole article will be warranted useless. I guess I'll give an update on it when it has its opening weekend. Truthfully, even though I'm too lazy to check its competition for that week, I predict fairly average takings of 17 million at #3. Having said that, I am not good at predicting box office numbers. The general public are far stupider than I can get my head around. The judging choices of the statistical public would perplex any mathematical theory or formula ever proposed. We are still yet to solve the phenomenon on the The Idiocy Syndrome running rife through heavily populated areas of media and entertainment.
Hmm, seems I've caught a spell of it myself...


Deck the Halls - 20th Century Fox
Anticipation Level: Stay unreleased.
Look out for: Ummmmmmmmmmmm, Maebe from Arrested Development with black hair!? God, what a stupid highlight to a movie.
US Release date: November 22nd, 2006.
Trailer Source