Cedric The Entertainer Is An Oxymoron

Before my predictable and HALarious banter about how Cedric The Entertainer isn't entertaining and I regurgitate a wall of overcrowded sentences explaining the irony of that, I want to sincerely apologise for yesterday's post.
I... I've read it through a number of times and have concluded that it is by far one of the worst pieces of writing I think I've put together since I was like, 9 years old. In my defense, I was very mentally spent and I did practically force myself to write it. And I think it showed.
I mean, I used Ludacris as a bridge between Troll 2 and Sweet Land. The fact I even thought to bring up what movie I just watched sickens me. I was really scraping on that one. The only part of the whole text that is in the least bit sharp is the pathetic pun, Sweet Bland. Sweet Bland, people. That's suppposed to be it's saving grace. Sweet fucking Bland. Fourth graders come up with better puns for their crappy Valentine's cards. *'Please Bee Mine' - with accompanied picture of a bee to make the pun at all relevant, even though bees have absolutely nothing to do with St Valentine or the phenomenon of love and emotion*
Sweet fucking Bland. I deserved whatever head shaking you gave out that day.

Ok, I'm off the italics, and it's into some severe whipping of Cedric DA ENTATAINA.
I hate Cedric The Entertainer. And a lot of it has to do with his name. And a lot of it has to do with this movie. And a whole lot of it has to do with all his other movies.
His name! Now, at the risk of this sounding too much like a Jay Leno monologue; Who are we going to confuse Cedric The Entertainer with if he lost the The Entertainer appendage from his name? Cedric The Barrister? Cedric The Pilates Instructor? Cedric The Hutt? (Kevin Eubanks would now rip on me for being a Star Wars geek and then riff his strings.)
He's not much of an entertainer anyway. He's just... he's just... well isn't he just a fat Martin Lawrence?

Codename: The Cleaner (Ugh!) is the epitome of Cedric's entertainment values. Imagine The Bourne Identity meets Big Momma's House 2. It is so motherfucking bad that it hurts NOT to disembowel it in my trademark verbose nature. Codename: The Cleaner is the absolute worst example of cinema since Employee of the Month, which was admittedly released 3 days ago. But this actually doesn't stand a chance with anyone. Not even the idiots of mainstream society will see this, mark my words on that one. This will succeed in no market, not the hugely loyal black streets community, not the dumbass comedy fanclubs, not even the 12 year old little shits that think they're so cool for sneaking into PG-13 movies. Even they will somehow sense to stay clear of this pile of stank.

What's so groundshaking for me is that this script, which involves our Cedric dressing as some bellhop gone wrong and performing in a troupe of similarly donned retarded men, attracted Lucy Liu and Nicollette Sheridan to play major roles. Ok, Lucy Liu has done some fucking horrid movies in her past, but Nicollette Sheridan has no excuse. What is her reasoning behind the selection of this project? Can't be her interest in the role. She plays the wife of Cedric The Entertainer. The only thing I can come up with is that she became so jealous and enraged at the other Desperate Housewives for branching into films that she decided she wanted a piece of the motion picture pie, so she threw hundreds of scripts onto the floor and put her hand on one at random. "Oh goodie, Codename: The Cleaner it is!" Either her agent was fired for trying to stop her from doing this, or her agent should be fired for allowing her to do it.


Look, another day, another complete anus of a movie trailer. It seems that lately, the only decent trailers are coming from foreign lands. Come on America and affiliating English speaking countries. Don't write any movie that could be percieved as a potential starring vehicle for Cedric The Entertainer. Just don't do it, and this sort of box office crisis can be averted. You don't have to be Cedric The Fucking Rocket Scientist to figure that out!

Codename: The Cleaner - New Line Cinema
Anticipation Level: Stay unreleased. Please!
Look out for: Nicollette Sheridan at the beginning and end of her post-Housewives movie career.
US Release date: 5th January, 2007.
Trailer Source