Just What This Blog Was Lacking: Another Indie Sex Comedy!!

Let me tell you something. Just because you've got the money to make an independent movie, just because you don't have the pressure of a major studio looming over you, just because you have more creative and artistic freedom DOES NOT automatically obligate you to go down the raunchy comedy avenue. It's an all too familiar avenue, an avenue lined with hookers and bedroom toy shops. Surely there's a gigantic well of ideas and stories to tap into when it comes to independently financed movies. Just because it can't exactly be high concept, doesn't mean you have to result in low brow.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you have a spare couple million lying around the house and you want to make a film, try and set yourself apart from what everyone else is doing. Take the road less travelled. Be a rebel, start a revolution. Spread the word that low screen counts and little to no publicity aren't just for films that show the lighter side of intercourse anymore. We're gonna take back what's ours.

Look, even explaining the plot for The Amateurs is almost as pointless as its existance, but for the purpose of an adequate word-count, Im'a gonna give it a go. Jeff Bridges, Ted Danson, Joe Pantoliano among others are no-good losers that decide to produce a porno movie (as you do, naturally). But they have no women to star in it, so they go search for some.
There you have it folks. Dynamic, money-making cinema at its finest.
Jeff Bridges... Ted Danson... I mean, come on. Where did these old hobo 'comedians' find the time to make this movie in between their extremely hectic schedules, juggling between their direct-to-DVD slate, their TV-movie slate, starring in doomed sitcom pilots named after themselves AND squeegying cars on the Interstate? Busy men! I'd take my hat off to them, but I'm not wearing a hat. And even if I was, I was only joking, they deserve no acts of respect and their careers are as dead as Rin Tin Tin. And that's pretty dead.

Something tells me that even if there was no script to guide them, and no camera pointed at them, they would still act in this same loserish way. No wonder they got the parts, they probably nailed the role by unwittingly stumbling into the audition room searching for cigarette butts after spending the night in the alley next door.
And what's with Patrick Fugit!? Boy, has he really let himself go, or what? He was some skinny teenager last time I saw him. Now he's some porky 50 year old geek. Yeah, that's a transition that seems well worth it. Hope he didn't destroy his youth just for this movie. Not even Jeff Bridges would get that desperate. OH WAIT, noone can even remember Bridges' youth. Especially Bridges.
Jeff gives an hypnotically painful performance here. I mean, just chillingly awful. How can such a loser play a loser so unconvincingly? He's even pathetic at being pathetic. He fails at failure. Now, you've got to be pretty damn fucking awful to do that.
Finish all that off with a greasy, stinky mullet that he flings around like he has the credibility of a Pantene model, and you've got an even slightly more pathetic Jeff Bridges with a dated haircut.

A note to anyone putting up money to finance what you might think is a really funny movie based on a script about penises and breasts and depraved men with no lives who think they have a chance with Lauren Graham and in the end probably defy the odds and end up with her, go into the medicine cabinet and eat everything inside it. Done that? If successful, that's one less freaking sex comedy I'll have to waste my time trying to differentiate from the great pile of them that have amassed with influx lately to this blog.


Never forget the rule of thumb: Sex* sells.

* Excludes sex with or relating to Jeff Bridges.

The Amateurs - Bauer Martinez Entertainment
Anticpation Level: Low.
Look out for: Nuh, nothing here. Oh, but I will use this space to put up a question to anyone who might know the answer. I've always wanted to know this: Why are pornos always in big cardboard boxes? I mean, its just a tape or DVD right? Why are the boxes so bulky and large? Please, I'd like to know this.
US Release date: 15th January, 2007.
Trailer Source