Needs To Be Glassed

"ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANY PERSONS, PLACES OR EVENTS
IN THIS MOVIE ARE PURELY COINCIDENTAL AND FRANKLY
QUITE SAD. IF YOU ATTEMPT ANYTHING YOU SEE IN THIS
FILM, YOU WILL DIE. NO GERMANS WERE HARMED DURING
THE MAKING OF THIS FILM. DRINK RESPONSIBLY AND TREAT
ALL WOMEN WITH RESPECT."

-- Actual disclaimer at the end of Beerfest trailer.

Mmm. Frightening what passes off as comedy these days, isn't it? "No Germans were harmed in the making of this movahahaHAHAhhhhHahahaHAAAAhhHAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAA!"
I can't even get through it without my sides splitting in wrenching pain as I keel over and internally bleed to death and suffocate in my own sour vomit. I'd rather be a pedophile than to think this movie was funny. I'd rather contract HIV in the worst possible way. I'd rather give a rectal birth to the anti-Christ, quite honestly. I reckon somewhere in this world, there are people trembling with starvation and hopelessness as their third world dictator has left their village to rot and die, and in their last moments of complete agony and sorrow, they'd think "Hey, it could be worse, I could be someone who thinks Beerfest is funny."

Beerfest is so unfunny that it's affecting me emotionally. It comes from the team that made Super Troopers and Club Dread, and while I thought Super Troopers had one or two zingers, I thought Club Dread was as close to the bottom of the comedy barrel as you could get. But oh, I was so wrong. It goes so much deeper, far far far down into the black recesses of Hell.
I was so very wrong and naive.

Dare I even explain the premise? It follows an underground drinking game event called Beerfest, and it somehow involves a whole heap of terrible national stereotypes with exaggerated accents and Willie Nelson. Willie Nelson KILLS any movie, but you can't kill something that is and was dead on arrival. (On a sidenote, Willie Nelson actually looks dead in the trailer... and I'm not talking 'he passed peacefully in his sleep' kind of dead, either.)I want to puke all over myself after watching this, for two reasons: 1. Because everything is so barf-worthy and 2. To punish myself so as I never watch it again. That's what this industry has resulted in, me wanting to voluntarily puke all over myself. Son of a bitch.

Beerfest marks another huge bomb for Legendary Pictures; a studio division joined to Warner Bros. Pictures. Beerfest, Lady in the Water and Superman: Returns all earnt WAY less than what was expected, and to be honest, this monstrosity was the only one that really deserved to fail unsympathetically. Die in suffering, die die die die die die!!!! Die from the injuries inflicted by a thousand repeated stabbings of pitchforks to the extremeties! DIIIIIE!!!

DIIIIIIIE!!!!!

Beerfest - Warner Bros. Pictures
Anticipation Level: Stay unreleased (even though it's already been released...)
Look out for: I bet you don't believe me about that disclaimer ACTUALLY being in the trailer. It's read ALOUD and scrolled up the screen. And oh my god, you have to hear some of the one-liners that are said. "Sweet creamery butter" is one, and my favourite, after learning of 'the greatest beer in all the world' one of the complete fucking idiots says: "I wish it were winter and we could make it into ice blocks and skate on it and then melt it in springtime and drink it." *hangs self*.
US Release date: Last month, 25th August, 2006. As if you'd bother, anyway.
Trailer Source