It's So Stupid. But So Totally Cool.

Jerry Bruckheimer is king of bringing the silliest, fuckin' worst concepts to the big screen in borderline acceptable ways. Armageddon was just... let's not even go there. The less Ben Affleck movies talked about the better (which prevents me from bringing up Pearl Harbour. Thank me later). Let's go to the archives. Con Air. What a terrible script. The Rock. Horrendous script on all accounts. National Treasure....! Come to think of it, it might be more Nicolas Cage's fault than Bruckheimer's. All those movies were trashy to the max, but they could have been way way WAY worse had it not been for lavishness and competent casting. Even the overly-edited PG-13 sex scenes hold up, somehow. And then came the stoopidest idea yet. Turning Pirates of the Carribean, some ancient attraction from Disneyland whose main hook was automated manniquins rocking back and forth to simulate drunk crooks with parrots on their shoulders, into a full length action adventure. The ride is basically looking at those puppets and listening to that 'Yo Ho, Yo Ho' song for about 2 miles of slow moving waterlogged cable track. Yet somehow, in some way, Jerry Bruckheimer saw success. And by golly, he turned stupidity into money, something he has made quite the living out of.

Deja Vu is his latest production, having taken a break from creating TV crime shows based around every single department of the American police force EVER. And I guess it's no surprise that whenever Jerry Bruckheimer secures a GOOD director to a movie, no matter how stupid the idea, it turns out pretty nicely. Gore Verbinski at the very least established an alright universe for Pirates, and Michael Bay established that he's a shameless tool by making the worst movies of the 90s. This time Tony Scott is at the helm, and we all know what that means. Saturated, grimey and tinged colours. Shaky cams. Black people that actually are the colour black. Frenetic pacing and hysteria all round.

I was really surprised to learn this movie was about time travel. I thought it was just some cop that sees visions or something. Apparently not. Deja Vu is basically Denzel Washington being clued in about the goverment's secret acquirement of technology that allows a first point view into the past. And I guess it plays a big role in figuring out who is responsible for a terrorist attack in the city.
It's farfetched because its a Bruckheimer production. Its got comic relief characters and jokes in an otherwise serious situation, which makes it unmistakably a movie to call his own. But Tony Scott almost looks like he's directing the movie to spite Bruckheimer, giving the half-baked concept some real edge and roughage, something that isnt exactly normal from the usual cliche-laden one-liner fest. Which this probably is.

It looks better than average though. With great looking action scenes (Denzel on a hovercraft and Denzel in a extremely high tech tactical hummer equates to major points) and some really spectacular imagery, I doubt this will be another Bad Company. Or Kangaroo Jack...



Deja Vu - Touchstone Pictures
Anticipation Level: Medium.
Look out for: I'm on the fence about the gimmick in the trailer. It plays the beginning and the end of the trailer twice, to fit in with the whole deja vu angle. I don't think it's that great. The best part of the trailer is actually the ferry explosion. I really like explosions and some really spectacular imagery, I doubt this will be another Bad Company. Or Kangaroo Jack...
US Release date: November 22nd, 2006.
Trailer Source

I Am President Of The People That Neither Love Nor Hate Leo Club

I don't know why I don't like DiCaprio. I just find him so.... inadequate. Bland, boring. Like a cousin that comes to your house every now and then and you're forced to spend time with him because he's around your age. Yes, that's Leo alright.
Outside of Catch Me If You Can, I guess I do hate him. Ok, so hate is too strong a word. I know there are a lot of people that claim to hate him simply because his face is pop culture's main representative of Titanic, biggest motion picture of all time and so on. A lot of people like to resent anything that might appeal to a hormonal teenage girl, whatever that thing may be. Titanic + globe of hormonal girls = #1 movie of all time. And those who can't join in the whitewash because of a damned inability to be aroused by Leo as a result of their uncontrollable sexual preference, direct their energies to completely senseless hate. Now, I myself think that Titanic is overrated and is only slightly above the notch of your average blockbuster, but please, if you're going to hate something without cause, at least come up with a lie as to why you hate it.

I love Djamon Hansou. And I lurve Jennifer Connolly. And you know what, from what is sampled in the Blood Diamond trailer, I'm beginning to wonder if Leonardo DiCaprio, Martin Scorsese's little bitch, may have it in him to impress me yet. I'm thinking Yes.

Blood Diamond is standard action fare dressed up superbly with grit and awesomeness. With a decent plot tenderised into it also. The action looks terrific, the leads as mentioned before, are great and I've really been enjoying Edward Zwick's projects, as he looks to be transitioning from an up-and-comer to an established and industrially known character. Who knows, if he keeps the ball rolling and prolongs his career to include more films that look as good as Blood Diamond, Zwick should be a household name in no time.

This movie should also be seen as a stepping stone towards a brighter direction for DiCaprio, as his Scorsese romps leave his characters with much to be desired for me. They're usually great movies, but helped in no great deal by him at all. Hopefully, he veers away from proceeding with yet another Scorsese movie so he can pull off something completely inspired and fresh. Howard Hughes is a good role to land, I understand that, but the stern no-good money-man in Blood Diamond complete with a nice South African accent is so much more pleasing, aesthetically and otherwise.

What brings all the potential to this movie though is not just the accents. Its the under-glamoured approach. Sure, it's unlikely a woman as beautiful as Jennifer Connolly would happen upon the anti-hero and decide to join him in his quests. If ever that were to happened, she would definately be a fugly, drooped beast with fankles and some sort of skin condition from being too senstive to foreign climates. She would not be Jennifer Connolly, I can tell you that.
Aside from that minor exception, there is a grungy realism here. For example, the title piece, the actual diamond, is not a brilliant shining gem sitting on a stone alter with a shaft of golden light dencending upon it. It's a mangled pebble found in a muddy river bed. And it's this pebble that is responsible for the high octane machine gun fights and a whole village's infrastructure worth of collateral damage. 'tis awesome.


I suppose when Leonardo DiCaprio isn't trying so hard to be a superstar, and is too busy running from cover to cover, dodging hurtling debris, he's not so bad. I still think he's robbing good roles off young guys that could probably embody the parts with more success, but having said that, I can't find much to complain about with this one here. Yet.

Blood Diamond - Warner Bros. Pictures
Anticipation Level: High.
Look out for: There are a lot of great moments. Especially the militia going crazy shooting up the entire town.
US Release date: December 15th, 2006.
Trailer Source

Does The Power Of Christ Compel YOU?

I am in no way a religious guy, and by that I mean, I couldn't think of anything more pointless than adhering to a way of life that denounces any sort of progression or evolution. Even religion's stance on the origins of life specifically shuns the mere concept of Evolution. Religion, to me, is nothing but a doctrine of control. Not dissimilar to a common constitutional law system. Just like regional laws, religion is a devised method of controlling vast numbers of people by scaring them into behaving. Community service, probation, jail and death sentences apply if you go against the law, which deters the majority of society. An eternity of suffering in Hell or a thousand year stint of endless tedium in Pergatory awaits you if you commit something as damaging to God's will as masterbation. Basic scare tactics can turn your fledgling little fellowship of peasants into the richest enterprise that has ever existed anywhere in the galaxy.

To become a Christian, you have to swallow a whole lot more than the blood and body of Christ. You have to swallow all the farfetched mania and tall tales that go with it. How can you silence all logic and assmilate to the views that the Earth is 6000 years old? And that dinosaurs co-existed with man? And that from time to time Satan just selects some girl at random and possesses her for no established reason?
According to Christian belief, or the Roman Catholic Church specifically, these are official recorded happenings in the eyes of God. Which just means that rather than editing a single line in the Bible, they create a new chapter that was accidentally omitted by God himself, perhaps as a test of our faith, just like EVERYTHING else is.

The German film Requiem is sort of a test of faith in itself. It's about an epileptic girl who thinks she has become possessed. Now, it's based on truth and fact, just like every other movie about possessed girls. I personally think Exorcist: The Beginning was the best documentary of 2004.
I just don't believe in any aspects of religion, so therefore, I can't even begin to be captivated by the thought that this is a gripping, historical moment. But that can't stop me from enjoying the film as fiction. It's what I call The Da Vinci Code Ultimatum. You either believe in Dan Brown's claim of Jesus having a bloodline and be compelled by the ideas, or you think it's a crock of shit and watch the movie for the fictional narrative. Which shows there are seperate means of enjoying what's in front of you.

Even though Requiem seems to be a touch too preachy about King of Kings Jesus Christ, it looks to do everything else right, from the bleak landscapes to the pasty people to the obvious extent on character development before Lucifer, for whatever reason, decides to destroy a family's life! The idea is no more ludicrous than ghostly grudges that kill people or monster sharks that stalk fishing boats, but there is a difference. Films like The Grudge 2 and Jaws sell themselves on their fiction, and claim to be nothing else. No hidden agenda. No subtextual propaganda. No implemented brainwashing in the form of conceptualized embellishment to digress the totalitarian regime of modern theology.
Although, I admit, The Grudge 2 does contain slight traces of the latter.


Ok, so the power of Christ doesn't compel me one bit, but...
The trailer of Reqiuem intrigues me!
The trailer of Reqiuem intrigues me!
The trailer of Reqiuem intrigues me!
THE TRAILER OF REQUIEM INTRIGUES ME!

Requiem - IFC Films
Anticipation Level: Low - Medium.
Look out for: Scary seizures and awful, bony hands reaching for crucifixes. Or is it crucifi? With Google at my immediate disposal, you'd think I'd just check. But I won't.
US Release date: October 18th, 2006.
Trailer Source

ALS. Wiki It!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amyotrophic_lateral_sclerosis

That will teach you all there is to know about ALS because the trailer of So Much So Fast, a documentary about ALS just assumes the audience is completely familiar with it. If I can be truthful, and I hope I always can be, I didn't know what ALS was until I saw this trailer. I mean, I'd heard of Lou Gherig's disease, which is just another, more hip name for such a trendy disease, and I've seen how intellectually decrepit Stephen Hawking looks, but I've never really delved into the facts. Increasing my knowledge of terminal illnesses that I could potentially get at any time without any way of prevention isn't of a priority right now. I'm already predicting I'll get cancer somewhere down the road. And that it will be in an embarassing place no less, so everytime someone asks what it is that's killing me, I'll have to say "The tumour on my weiner" or something like that. Ugh. I have luck like that. Srsly.

I can't say I'm looking forward to acquiring an immobilitating disease. Because I've always hated (and I know this is so incredibly wrong of me) people that joke about their own mortality or their own piss-poor conditions. I just hate that. I just really really hate that. There is nothing unfunnier than a crippled guy beaming about how he should run the New York marathon. Ha Ha Ha Ha. Prime-quality wit there.
Have no arms? That won't stop them from having a good old laugh at themselves. "I'd shake your hand but, you know." Yeah, I noticed the fact you have NO FUCKING ARMS as soon as I walked in the room. You don't have to make light of such a horrific situation. No arms. How in god's name is that supposed to be funny?
In general, I think gallows humour is only funny if its said in the context of someone's last words. Like Oscar Wilde's famous wallpaper bickering. Now that is one very hilarious, very gay man. On the other hand, Gallows humour in 16 year old cancer patients with an over-abundance of personality is the worst thing on the planet. Nothing shits me off more. You know, it's tough that the kid has cancer and all, but fucking give me a break. The disease destroying someone's body is not funny, and if someone doesn't have anything real to say about it, just shut up and keep your 'brave little senses of humour' to your fucking self. If you think cancer's such a big laugh, then why should I care that you have it.

So Much So Fast is a movie about a guy that basically never stop making jokes at his own expense. So you can imagine how much I enjoyed it.
It's not that I want this ALS sufferer to be depressed, and it's not that I don't want him to have a laugh, but please... there are people who laugh in the face of death, and then there are those who, in the face of death, laugh at themselves. And that is just weak.

In the So Much So Fast trailer, it's apparent that the guys in question were unfunny even before ALS intruded on their perfect lives. Listen to this ATROCIOUS best man's speech at the brother's wedding: "I can't imagine a better match for Stephen. Like peanut butter and jelly. And like Marge... and Homer. *crowd laughs, they love it*"
I hate these people. I guess their intentions of curing a previously incurable condition is a really great cause, but I just genuinly hate them. I can't think of anything worse than to listen to any more zingers from the Wheelchair of Comedy. A completely inanimate guy using his simulated voice computer to describe his sex life and that he wishes he had more sex on film is just a terrible thing to witness.
Honestly, you'll wish he never got the disease simply because that would mean you'd never have to hear his appalling attempts at self-deprecation.


These brothers, as well as the wife, are not funny. But they think they are hilarious. This documentary doesn't bring hope, it makes me just dread becoming that sort of person. See I don't think I'm that funny, I don't think I could provide laughs for a huge audience, and I certainly would NEVER have the ego to put a documentary crew together to shoot a movie with an angle of capturing how funny having a neurological disease can be, probably based on the fact their family always commented on how uproariously funny they both were.
So Much So Fast. So Shit.

So Much So Fast - Balcony Releasing (?)
Anticipation Level: Stay unreleased.
Look out for: Don't bother. Just don't bother.
US Release date: October 11th, 2006.
Trailer Source

I Feel Like I Just Watched The Entire Freaking Movie

Why would I pay to go see this now that I've already viewed the trailer? Why would I recommend others to pay to see it over watching the trailer for free on any number of free to access mediums. Apparently Fox have the elusive answer, although nobody knows it. They still always pull off big hits, when they basically shouldn't due to poor advertising. That being said, I have absolutely no education in marketing. However I am a patron, I am a consumer and I am part of the basis of the marketing strategies. I am the public. Although, I concur, an insignificant minority in said public.

Seemingly, 20th Century Fox have this really closely guarded secret as to why they are so good at succeeding with shitty holiday movies, even if they are given marketing approaches whose main objective is to squeeze all the milk (potentially rancid) out of all the film's big trailer moments. Just like how KFC claim to have 11 'secret herbs and spices'. Both are utter bullshit. Fox just get lucky in the fact that stupid parents will take stupid kids to a stupid movie no matter what, and they probably didn't even see the trailer. They are just so stressed out on having a bunch of kids for the day that they have to get away from any place with knives and into a place where it's dark and loud enough so kids won't hear them sobbing. And KFC is just lying to you. Those herbs aren't secret. What do you think they sprinkle the spicy leaves of the Burning Bush and grated root from the Tree of Life on your drumstick? Every ingredient they use has to be documented by dietary guidelines enforced by a health advisory, and if it's even too secret for that, than those really awesome spices they gloat about must be just clear chemical flavourings.

Which somehow brings me to Deck the Halls!!!! Gotta love the way I don't plan these posts at all.
As mentioned in the title, this is a summarised version of the actual movie. Basically 90+ minutes crammed into 2 awful minutes and 29 forgettable seconds. I suppose there may be some person in this world that wants to know under what context Matthew Broderick gets stuck on a sleigh in tow by runaway horses... but I didn't. And I still don't. And if you think that comedic situation wasn't cliche enough, Broderick ends up treading water in an ice lake. Then naked in bed being felt up and man-handled by Danny Devito. Soooooo predictable.

It's not hard to expose some satirical whimsy out of the Western attitudes toward commercialism, especially in a Christmas movie. This movie even fails to do that! It looks so by the numbers, so incredibly unsure if the kids will giggle at one thing or another, trying so hard to get a laugh out of the 'grown-ups' but trying even harder to dumb everything down. There is just no way I could ever EVER like it. Usually, my pre-judgement is collapsable, I can reconstruct a different stance if I'm wrong about a movie. But I am so sure about this movie being ass that I'm reinforcing this stance with 16 inch of concrete and a giant plate of steel. And that stuff don't come cheap.

If you want the plot, the trailer sums it up beautifully. The beginning, the middle, the end. And it reminds us of those other movies that panned out exactly the same way following the same damn formula and adhering to the same damn studio curfew. Just once I'd like a holiday comedy that for half the movie just follows the formula with the dad that tries too hard and hatches farfetched plans to get recognition, and instead of learning his family loves him regardless of who has the best Christmas lights in the third act... just have the father snap and shell everyone in the neighbourhood. And the rest of the film is just him versus everyone that managed to have a better Christmas display than him. Everyone that sucks, they get to live. But if you get him jealous of your deep pocketed over-extravagance, he'll put a shotgun in your figurative stocking and fire.

I don't know, maybe Fox are smarter than I give them credit for, and Matthew Broderick does actually in fact do that. But I somehow doubt it. I mean, it's Deck the Halls. Not Brutally Massacre the Halls. I only wish.
I'll be very interested in how this actually performs, because the way I've been talking, I make it sound like it's going to go through the roof at the box office. Now that I've said that, I've probably doomed it and this whole article will be warranted useless. I guess I'll give an update on it when it has its opening weekend. Truthfully, even though I'm too lazy to check its competition for that week, I predict fairly average takings of 17 million at #3. Having said that, I am not good at predicting box office numbers. The general public are far stupider than I can get my head around. The judging choices of the statistical public would perplex any mathematical theory or formula ever proposed. We are still yet to solve the phenomenon on the The Idiocy Syndrome running rife through heavily populated areas of media and entertainment.
Hmm, seems I've caught a spell of it myself...


Deck the Halls - 20th Century Fox
Anticipation Level: Stay unreleased.
Look out for: Ummmmmmmmmmmm, Maebe from Arrested Development with black hair!? God, what a stupid highlight to a movie.
US Release date: November 22nd, 2006.
Trailer Source

Real Water Is About To Become As Inadequate And Tacky As Claymation Monsters

With the rise in global population, and the access to fresh water diminishing accordingly, it's almost comforting to know that even though every living thing on this planet would die out and the atmosphere would eventually become unbreathable, that the super-AI driven robots we will come to manufacture will be still be able to produce films with water in them.
Similar to the challenge and feat of digitally restoring extinct creatures in Jurassic Park, the future of cyborg-made movies will be faced with the daunting task of digitally restoring an extinct universal solvent.

Good news for robots that are to become the dominant beings of the planet. Surf's Up is a worthy indication that artificial water is looking uncannily like the real thing. And I'm not even joking. The computer generated imagery for Surf's Up's cuddly penguin line-up is the usual glossy, individually photo-realistic feathers and fur stuff we've all come to expect from the ton of animal oriented animated movies. But the water, which is featured prominantly in the movie, is the true spectacle of the piece.
True to life physics, sun glare, ripples, waves, foam, sprays and droplets. It's scarily awesome. Mind you, if i took the Pepsi/Coke challenge with real and artificial versions, I would be able to differentiate completely. All I'm saying is, wow. And it can only get better.

To be honest, the movie itself could spare to look a little better too. Not visually of course, I think I've established this film is gorgeous to look at. But so was Shrek 2, partially. And that was a bitch to endure.
I really hate how the long development process of a CG movie creates the problem of overlapping concepts. The best and main example; the wars of similarity between Dreakworks Animaton and Disney. Shark Tale and Finding Nemo were largely similar and dissimilar at the same time. Antz and A Bug's Life were contenders, with both coming out strong. But I particuarly enjoy the feud between Madagascar and The Wild, whose contexts and ideas were hilariously identical. Madagascar won that battle by a huuuuge margin, moreso for the fact The Wild bombed so hard. And there will be a ton more casualties to come with every major studio with about a hundred new films starring exotic talking animals with American accents in the pileline. Each!

I bring up the overlap factor because Surf's Up is about penguins. Warner Bros. also have an animated film coming out which stars penguins named Happy Feet. I mean, tell me this, how is it that two different studios have the same idea at the same time. Penguins are a pretty random animal, lets face it. How did Warners and Sony BOTH have a penguin idea at roughly the same time? Let's not forget that Dreamworks' Madagascar featured penguins as major characters. Which was released while those two films would have been halfway into their development cycle.


My money is going on the Warner Bros. movie, simply because it looks better. It's got a better cast, for starters. The Surf's Up cast is just packed with lesser known actors , while Happy Feet has some of the biggest names of today. (Note: So did another Warner movie, Ant Bully....). Secondly, Surf's Up is an animated mockumentary about the penguins who invented surfing. While I like the genuine innovation, it is nevertheless a stoopid idea. Happy Feet isn't much better, and it has a shittier title, but looks way more accessible.
And thirdly, the Happy Feet trailer is a whole lot better. Surf's Up is superficially dazzling, but that won't make a trailer watchable alone. And that won't draw someone like me to an child-targeted movie. Nor will I see Happy Feet, but Surf's Up's method of 'Let's go the apprach of seeing the main character get dumped by a wave like a loser and have some fucking retarded, drunk chicken-hawk thing mutter some godawful punchline' is just patronizing to all involved. Come to think of it, it might be the gopher that sports that punchline. And yes, that does make a difference. Albeit, not a preferred difference. Trust me, the gopher fucking sucks.
Frankly, seeing that gopher die of thirst would make the apolalyptic drought all worthwhile.

Surf's Up - Sony Pictures
Anticipation Level: Low-Medium.
Look out for: The biggest star. The pretty water effects. No truly, I mean it, the next biggest star is like, Jon Heder. Or Jeff Bridges, but he's just literally big.
US Release date: 8th June, 2007.
Trailer Source

Could Be This Be The End Of Harsh Times At MGM?

Ok, so harsh times is putting it bluntly. More like the 'end is nigh' times for MGM.
The studio has been absolutely atrocious ever since it went bankrupt and sold itself and its entire library of great films to Sony, and I think it's all super-obvious why they went bankrupt in the first place.
Post-apocalypse MGM didn't produce spectacular bombs... on the contrary; they made much worse. Bombs that even to this day noone has even heard of. Beauty Shop. Fuck off. Flyboys. Bomb. A string of cheap comedies (like Material Girls. GHHuh!) that managed to bomb. Off the top of my head, that's all I can remember. And that is really bad, for me. Usually, I can remember a good bomb. MGM fails to even supply me with ammunition against itself. That's the least it could have done.

Of course, the most it could do is pick it's fat, Marlon Brando-fied ass off Sony's couch and get cracking onto something GOOD. For once this century. They couldn't even get Bond right. I mean, a freaking ice palace? Windsurfing on a tidal wave? Invisible cars and Rosemund Pike in an effin' knife-fight. MGM: Must stand for....... Makes Gigli Meaningful. Though, that may be a little harsh. And stupid.
Well, thankfully, it looks like someone finally did a lot of firing in the MGM head office, and now there is something to look forward to from the studio. Like Casino Royale, my most anticipated movie at the moment. And the new Rocky movie. And, obviously, Harsh Times. Which actually looks great. Who'd of guessed that?

Christian Bale is badass when he needs to be. It's basic knowledge. And he is surely badass here. Beating up hoodlums that try and ambush him, he counts on his old buddy and loyal sidekick, little Freddy Rodriguez, to back him up and throw him an emergancy switch-blade every now and then. Other activities they enjoy doing for no real reason are: Visiting Eva Longoria at random intervals, creating havoc, shooting cops when they pull them over for speeding, creating chaos, smashing bottles on people's windscreens, creating turmoil and finally, fleeing from old men with shotguns.
I don't even think I have to tell you how awesome it's going to be to follow Christian and Freddy through seedy Los Angeles. Harsh, but fun times lay ahead.

The film is very Training Day-esque, what with being made by the same creative team and all, but this isn't a bad thing. As long as it doesn't become a trend. The simplicity of the format is one that could get stale so easily, so I think it's a good idea to keep about a 4-5 year gap between making such similar styled movies. I can't tell you how much I hate it when some clutz just takes an original idea from another movie and just stamps it on their own. I refuse to enjoy any movie that does that. Straight out refuse. Fuck... those guys!


I enjoy the male leads greatly, so I think I'm going to like Harsh Times a lot. I really love the trailer, as it keeps things simple, hinting at a storyline but never fully embelishing it. It's a dance between the good and evil representations of Bale's character that is definately the core of this movie, and the trailer really connects with that aspect. I just really hope that I'm not seeing something that's not really there, because I want this to be awesome so bad. It's a leap of faith with MGM on this one. Reach my expectations of Casino Royale, Rocky 6 and Harsh Times, and I'll forget that Into the Blue ever happened.

Harsh Times - MGM Studios
Anticipation Level: Medium-High.
Look out for: "I am a soldier of the apolalypse". Badass Bale.
US Release date: November 10th, 2006.
Trailer Source

El Crappo

If there was a worldwide vote to find out once and for all who is the weirdest celebrity, my vote would without a doubt be Lou Diamond Phillips. Without a doubt!
I mean, seriously. His name is Lou Diamond Phillips for starters. Second of all, he shares WAY too many characteristics and qualities of a tortoise, and thirdly, I bet he's one of the rare people that are actually overjoyed to be a guest interviewee on countdown special after countdown special. In a place like Hollywood, which has a reputation of chewing up hopeful movie stars and spitting them out without even thinking about it, Lou Diamond Phillips would be one of those dreadful lollies that just get stuck in your fucking teeth and you spend all fucking day trying to toothpick the bastard out until you eventually just give up and leave it there so it can fester and create massive cavities.
The worst part is, we, Hollywood included, never learn any lasting moral from this. We keep on eating those terrible lollies. Well, I mean, I don’t. Because I have small jagged nubs poking out of rotted gum instead of teeth from leaving taffy in between them for weeks. My days of eating foods that are totally impractical to consume are gone.

Not one to abandon a sloppy at best parallel, let’s just say Diamond Phillip’s latest big screen frolic, El Cortez, is a big, chalky El Cavity. The best way to describe this one is Rain Man meets City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold. Or Curly’s Cave of Secrets or something. I don’t know, it’s been a long while since I’ve thought back to that film. And there was a reason. One which was firmly established by the El Cortez trailer. Because gold-fever movies suck.

To be reasonable, El Cortez isn’t the worst looking small-scale movie ever. It has a decent stabbing of a hand. And… actually, no, that’s the only thing that it has going for it. But on that note, something tells me that this movie never even received an official, approved trailer. It shows sex scenes (the woman like, has sex with all the male leads, it seems) and a grisly knife through the hand scene. And even the ‘THIS PREVIEW HAS BEEN APPROVED BY MPAA’ notice at the beginning literally gets blown away in some very cheap and unnecessary animation. Please don’t make that a trend. I think I can only bear that novelty the once. Come to think of it, I couldn’t even bear it the once.


So like I said, it shares connections with Rain Man because Lou Diamond thinks he’s some poor man’s Dustin Hoffman (and he’s not even that), and City Slickers 2, because a ragtag group of people search for some gold with dramatic and zany consequences. Like, anyone remember when Jon Lovitz got shot and he died, then it was revealed the bullets were only blanks? Hehehehe. See, dramatic and zany. Hehehehe.

El Cortez is, without reasonable doubt, a movie starring Lou Diamond Phillips. And a woman with the sickest, boniest back I’ve ever seen… It’s like a donkey carcass picked clean by vultures and than vacuum packed into human skin. Shudder. She adds nothing.
My predicted ending is that Lou and the girl get the gold, but the girl is grifting him and tries to steal it. And then all the main characters reveal that they are grfiting her. Or something predictably unpredictable like that. We’ll see I guess.

El Cortez - Brazos Pictures
Anticipation Level: Low.
Look out for: I enjoyed the hand stabbage. But still, I'm really clutching there.
US Release date: 6th October, 2006.
Trailer Source

Falling Behind...

I can't believe I'm going to use this as an excuse, but returning to TAFE after my two week break has stressed me out, thus I haven't written anything at all simply because I feel so bummed out and drained. Now that I'm back and settling in, I thought it was time to scrape all the accumulating moss off of the previously stationary but now increasingly kinetic rolling stone, and dive back into the fray to see what Hollywood is keeping up its endless supply of sleeves.
Robert de Niro is much like the rolling stone I just mentioned in my overbaked metaphor, or analogy or whatever, if not only for the fact he has had his down and up moments. The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle is one title that comes to mind, unfortunately, and it does not fit into the latter category. *pauses for literally 10 minutes in a dazed disbelief that movie was ever made, and that de Niro actually played a major role*. Hide and Seek is another, although I've always considered it emo Dakota Fanning's movie, and her's alone. (Between you and me, she can have it. Yeesh.)

de Niro's back. DE NIRO'S BACK!!! He's back people, and the movie is The Good Shepherd. And I tell you what, he better make it worth-fucking-while, because I haven't been a huge fan of his just to see him shine in The Untouchables and Goodfellas and Taxi Driver, then make like his jawals and sink with into fluff. Shark Tale, Meet the Fockers. And oh my god, anyone remember Showtime? With Eddie Murphy in ANOTHER racially-juxtaposed cop buddy movie. Cuhrist!!I guess what I'm saying is, de Niro is really testing my loyalty to him. If he can't find good scripts, he isn’t trying nearly hard enough.

The Good Shepherd is directed by Robert de Niro himself, and he does star in it, although it's more of a Matt Damon/Angelina Jolie movie. Damon is a geeky, trenchcoat grappling John Citizen who ends up being the main influence in establishing the CIA and their policies. Jolie is the stay at home wife that is probably a boozer that has screaming matches with Damon because he’s so closed in and secretive as a result of his shady work.If it all seems so familiar to you, that’s exactly the vibe I got too. The same old plot devices look like they are being used to justify and condemn the ways of the CIA, and also the messages of the film. The broken marriage? Come on. The ultimate sacrifice? Please. The tug-of-war between morality and loyalty? Been there, done that! The trailer does this film no favours in making this look like just another movie where some guy joins ‘them’, wants to get out but ‘they’ won’t let him.


However, I don’t want to pass that judgment so early. After all, it is just a trailer, and trailers have been known to be spectacularly inaccurate in capturing a film’s integrity. And that goes for all of the trailers I’ve reviewed. But this one especially.
The Good Shepherd is written by Eric Roth, one of my favourite screenwriters as of late, and after delivering his massive sucker-punch that was Munich (and I mean that in a hugely positive way) and being nominated for Academy Awards for his efforts, I’m almost convinced that there is an unseen vein of gold imbedded in the bland, rocky surface that is my first impressions of this movie.
Something is confusing me greatly, though, and it is regarding a little tidbit I stumbled upon whilst doing brief research on the movie. The budget for The Good Shepherd is $110 million, and an executive that passed on making the film was quoted as saying “After reading the script, there was no possible way that this could be filmed for any less than $110 million.” Now, what the fuck at that!?This is such an unextraordinary, average-in-appearance political period drama.
What the FUCK at that!? 110 million dollars!?!?!?!

Indeed, like the CIA itself, this project is absolutely shrouded in secrecy. I just wonder if this secrecy will lead to intrigue or simple disinterest. Because I can certainly say I’m missing a very large piece of the puzzle. The fact of the matter is, the movie that I think this is does not cost $110 million to make. Which means this is a different film altogether to what I’m expecting. Like I said, I don’t know whether to be excited by that fact, or whether to forget about it until it appears on cable. I like to think I have a little faith where it’s needed though. I hope it’s a lot more than it gives itself credit for.

The Good Shepherd - Universal Pictures
Anticipation Level: Medium
Look out for: Jolie has a really venomous and thunderous blowup that makes me all happy inside.
US Release date: 22nd December, 2006.
Trailer Source

Soon Bush Will Have Been In More Motion Pictures Than Reagan

Srsly. No srsly people. You've got to stop making movies about George Bush. SRSLY.
Two hundred years from now, people are going to be rifling through the public film archives and uncover an ungodly stockpile of George Bush documentaries that almost quadruples the amount of films based on any other president combined. And then it will be concluded that, as a community, filmmakers were obsessed with George W. Bush. Which, I'm sorry to say, might yet be true.
I'd be happy with two movies about the president. Tops. One about how he's all silly in the head, and one insightful yet fictional one, like the upcoming Death of a President (which I am extensively excited for).
I despise the fact that filmmakers like Michael Moore feel it's their duty as a free-talkin' American to speak out against the Bush administration. I mean, Bush is probably dull and tyrannical, I don't know. But blaming Bush for every single problem in your life by making a movie about it proves nothing. Example: "Bush gave me this fat ass by not making Hershey's illegal", then show Bush playing golf, which is apparently the most sinister and satirical thing ever! Guh, the camera lens is not your own personal all seeing eye of justice! Learn that.

...So Goes The Nation has one foot dangling into these pitfalls, and one foot barely hanging onto the ledge of upper reason. It's about the state of Ohio's position as a potential and probable swing vote in the presidential election, and the CUHRAZY things people will do to sway an individual's vote. Like, zomg! Doorknocking!!! NoOoOoOoOoOoO! Actually, for decades the Mormon's have used that technique to further expand their understanding of Jesus Christ, to little degree of success and a certain degree of annoying every poor, unfortunate dumbass that actually answers the door.
Not being American, my outsider views on John Kerry and George Bush are limited to meaningless. But seeings as this is MY blog, I'm going to have my say. John Kerry looks like a big hessian sack full of spanners. Did he have a terminal illness? WHAT IS HE? He's clearly not a great representative for the first world. He looks like one of those kids that was forced to tapdance because his mother wanted him to get the talent show trophy.

I mean, come on. The only foothold Kerry's supporters seemed to be able to exploit in their campaign was that he was not Bush. Which, I agree, isn't the worst angle to have.
But when Michael Moore takes a podium and shouts "I think think it's time to say 'Goodbye George'", I get a little bit of glee to know he was so wrong. Hehehe, he was so wrong.

Then we have Bush, who somehow scraped enough rigged ballots together apparently and triumphed as the countries most unapproved power position. He's kind of just an old manchild that frequently and clichedly gets compared to a chimpanzee. I hate that, I really hate that. In fact, I hate people that just rip on an authority because there are means to do it. I mean, if you think a chimpanzee can run a country, let alone consistently shape the monopoly of global order and policy whilst establishing and maintaining relationships with UN leaders and figures of hundreds of other countries, then you really need to assess whether you are worthy of commenting on anyone's intellegence. I mean, a chimpanzee!? I dont care if it is an over-exaggeration of his logic, chimps can only barely use twigs to eat ants, you fucking idiots.
Anyways, we all know how this blue corner-red corner rumble in the Ohio ring eventually panned out (or do we!?). I don't think I have to blather on about recent history, go Wiki it or something if you're too sheltered to know the actual details.

...So Goes the Nation doesn't deserve to be passed off as a Bush bashing clone. It seems to take no sides, demonizing everyone is intergrates with. Which sounds irresponsible and bad, but really, portraying two sides in a negative light cancels the negativity out. Whereas with a Michael Moore documentary, he only villifies the people that stand against him. Like Charelton Heston, who happened to be president of the NRA at the time a little girl he never had any association with EVER was murdered by a gun. What a monster!
I'm awarding a Get Out of Jail Free card for this one, but srsly, enough with the Bush documentaries.

...So Goes the Nation - IFC Films
Anticipation Level: Low.
Look out for: The masterminds of brainwashing. Conservative Americana.
US Release date: October 4th, 2006.
Trailer Source

I Love Post-'Party Of Five' Matthew Fox

I love him in a passionate fan sort of way, not in a fruity sort of way. Ask anyone that knows me and they'll vouch for me when I say I do not have Matthew Fox centrefolds behind my bedroom door. In fact, I don't even know if he even has centrefolds, which just further proves my innocence. I will admit that I am a fan however, and I am loving the fact that he has leapt to the big screen to show off his big talents. As long as his main focus is on Lost, and only does movies in hiatus periods, I'm loving it. And him, evidently. (that really does sound heaps fruity, hey?)

Anyhow, I've finally got around to watching the We Are Marshall trailer. Now... here's my story regarding We Are Marshall.
I remember ages and ages ago, this movie was announced and I thought it sounded like a great idea. It was described as a movie detailing the events of a plane filled with football bigshots crashing in the woods. And movies about plane-crashes rule!
Then, a short while later, casting announcements were made. Ian McShane, David Straithan, Matthew McConaughey and... Matthew Fox!!! The thought of Matthew Fox, king of plane crashes, going all Flight 93 and/or Snakes on a Plane and escaping the gnashing jaws of the crushing fusilage or diving onto the jet engine to heroically save the star quarterback at the last moment as the plane hurtles to the earth left me breathless.
Now if that doesn't dictate an awesome movie, then what does?

Well... definately not the REAL We Are Marshall, which turned from one of coolest sounding movies into one of the most deflated, flaccid movies of the year.
Ok, there is a plane crash! And it does kill a whole bunch of people. But Matthew Fox isnt even on board!!! And I think it all happens very quickly at the beginning!!! AHHH!!! Disappointment all around!!! A tear.

So after the plane (or should I say PLAIN! har har har) crash wipes out the entire football team's lineup of players, its Matthew McConaughey's job, nay DUTY to round up a renegade of random athletes to make up for the erased Marshall team, all the while honouring the players that were burnt to death just the other week. Yesterday's news, obv.

Matthew Fox plays some... I don't even know what he is. He just runs around the gridiron field smacking guys over and yelling "YOUR NOT GOOD!" into their faces. His role is so disappointing.
The movie looks so so so so so so so schmaltzy. Any movie with about a thousand people chanting in unison shouldn't exist. Ever. And I mean that. No fucking chanting. Or slow claps, that's just as bad. Or oh my god, the worst one is when everyone is just standing around in silence, and a little girl starts singing. And then noone can resist falling into tune and breaking into song. Only time will tell if We Are Marshall goes that far.

We Are Marshall is not, I repeat NOT a disaster-plane crash movie like I originally thought. Instead it's a ragtag "They'll never make the world series!" true underdog story, one of the worst genres I can think of, right behind the genre of every Kevin Smith movie!
So this potentially rad film turned out to be muck, but Matthew Fox will be back in another movie, Vantage, which is about an assasination from several different perspectives. Hell yeah! I just hope the movie doesn't just begin with an assassination and then transition into a romantic comedy with a supernatural twist starring Mark Ruffalo.

We Are Marshall - Warner Bros. Pictures
Anticipation Level: Low.
Look out for: Matthew Fox. Duh.
US Release date: 22nd December, 2006.
Trailer Source

Could The Tables Be Turning?

I'm kinda heartbroken to say it, but as much as I love good trailers... I think they are harder to write about. Which would then, in turn, mean that the bad trailers which I have constantly, consistently and convolutedly shouted out against in a quite colourful manner are actually easier to write about, and thus, preferrable to me.
I know, it's a sickening disorder. A complex I can't fully fathom and frankly don't care to either. Has all my longing for good trailers come back upon me in the form of cruel irony? On the one hand, if a trailer is good, then it's a great day initially. But then I have the extra stress of writing an essay length orgasm about it, which is a lot harder and unpleasant than it sounds. On the opposite end, if I get a horrendous trailer, it's seemingly a depressing day. But when I go to type up an article of pure hatred about it, the words just flow and I have a great time.
'tis quite the dilemma.

A good, wholesome example. Babel. Great trailer. Great, great trailer for an excellent looking film. It's about 4 different stories joined by one single event, a gunshot that literally triggers a whole shitstorm of plotlines. It stars Brad Pitt, Cate Blanchette, that Gael Garcia guy and an Asian girl. It's really great.
And that's all I really got.

So now, I've got to struggle to cram in two more paragraphs about the trailer. If it were a crappy trailer, I'd be having no problem in doing this. A lot of "This trailer is SO fucking shit that I could taste my own vomit before that green MPAA disclaimer screen ended." and "I've seen babies born without a head that had more promise than this rot."
But what can you say about Babel!? "This movie looks so captivating that I'm gonna be fucking glued to the screen for it's whole fucking entirety." See, there's no punch, no zazz. "I've seen babies born with a perfect bill of health and a wealthy, loving family with less promise than Babel." What's my deal with promising babies? Babies, Babel? This could be the connection I've been looking for. I might run with that.


It's not that Babel is unremarkable, it's just not... remarkable. And by that I mean, I have difficulty making remarks about it. Strong performances are obvious. Great script is obvious. Trailer does everything right. What more is there to say? Babel looks awesome, I really want to see it. I don't particularly want to write about it. Especially on zero income and a barely existent readership.
I suppose this means the tables truly have turned, and that I'm partially anticipating the evil and awful trailers, and sadly, dreading another great, but benign, trailer. I only wish it were different, Babel. I only wish.

Babel - Paramount Vantage
Anticipation Level: Medium-High.
Look out for: Try to piece together what a girl in Tokyo has to do with some American tourist being shot in the Middle East. Or is it Mexico? They jump between scenes so much I can't even distinguish one desert from another.
US Release date: 27th October, 2006.
Trailer Source

Delivered Me From Mediocrity

Well, a new week is dawning, and a storm of unprecedented shittiness in Trailerland has parted, leaving everything all dewy and crisp and fresh. The Departed is #1 at the box office, Ridley Scott announced his next project and now this; a truly snap-crackling trailer from the controversial documentary, Deliver Us From Evil. It's a stick of tramatic childhood dynamite that explodes in your face just like with that fat professor on Lost who was only in it for 3 episodes so they could stage a comedic death. And similarly, flabby pieces of emotional pain fly from the blast like big meaty projectiles, hitting the hearts of all that care to be captivated by this revealing look into the dark side of the Catholic church. Well.... one of the dark sides of the Catholic church.

The trailer is amazing. Amazing doesn't seem like an accurate word to describe the trailer to a movie about child abuse and molestation by Catholic priests and the cover-ups and scandals that ensue, but honestly, I don't care what's right and wrong, politically correct and incorrect. It's just a fucking amazing trailer.

The music for one did it for me the most. Johnny Cash's 'God's Gonna Cut You Down' playing over some pretty uncomfortable images was a totally surprising and edgy direction in my eyes, but a completely effective and welcome one. I'm actually becoming a slight fan of Ol' Johnny Cash, because I keep hearing songs which I immediately catch right onto. And this is one of those. Perfect trailer music. Absolutely perfect for what it's trying to convey. Serious in it's tone, but not so serious that it makes you dread the movie.
The audience's perception would have been a big problem for marketers of this project, because let's face it, a lot of people don't want to see the Catholic church demonised like it obviously is here, and even more people don't want to hear the atrocities that some children have gone through.

I, thankfully, was not one of the 100,000 children to have sex with a clergyman. They're simply not my type, what with those old robes and those huge, pointless staves that they hobble around the cathedrals with. Yee-uck.
Unfortunately, there are those that did succumb to that nightmarish fate, however, Deliver Us From Evil is not just their sob stories (although there appears to be a bit of that thrown in). This looks to be a helpful film, about exposing the truth behind why these crimes happened, and why they haven't been dealt with in a proper manner, if at all.

As a film, there seems to be a great deal of importance here. As a trailer, there's no real flaws that I can see. To make a movie about old men fucking small tots into an enjoyable and rewatchable thing is something to behold. Definately.
I just hope more people are going to the same "How To Make A Decent Movie Trailer 101" lessons as the people that made this trailer. Keep delivering trailers like this, and I'll start believing!


Deliver Us From Evil - Lionsgate
Anticipation Level: Medium.
Look out for: The priests being grilled on the witness stand. Priceless.
US Release date: 13th October, 2006.
Trailer Source

Cedric The Entertainer Is An Oxymoron

Before my predictable and HALarious banter about how Cedric The Entertainer isn't entertaining and I regurgitate a wall of overcrowded sentences explaining the irony of that, I want to sincerely apologise for yesterday's post.
I... I've read it through a number of times and have concluded that it is by far one of the worst pieces of writing I think I've put together since I was like, 9 years old. In my defense, I was very mentally spent and I did practically force myself to write it. And I think it showed.
I mean, I used Ludacris as a bridge between Troll 2 and Sweet Land. The fact I even thought to bring up what movie I just watched sickens me. I was really scraping on that one. The only part of the whole text that is in the least bit sharp is the pathetic pun, Sweet Bland. Sweet Bland, people. That's suppposed to be it's saving grace. Sweet fucking Bland. Fourth graders come up with better puns for their crappy Valentine's cards. *'Please Bee Mine' - with accompanied picture of a bee to make the pun at all relevant, even though bees have absolutely nothing to do with St Valentine or the phenomenon of love and emotion*
Sweet fucking Bland. I deserved whatever head shaking you gave out that day.

Ok, I'm off the italics, and it's into some severe whipping of Cedric DA ENTATAINA.
I hate Cedric The Entertainer. And a lot of it has to do with his name. And a lot of it has to do with this movie. And a whole lot of it has to do with all his other movies.
His name! Now, at the risk of this sounding too much like a Jay Leno monologue; Who are we going to confuse Cedric The Entertainer with if he lost the The Entertainer appendage from his name? Cedric The Barrister? Cedric The Pilates Instructor? Cedric The Hutt? (Kevin Eubanks would now rip on me for being a Star Wars geek and then riff his strings.)
He's not much of an entertainer anyway. He's just... he's just... well isn't he just a fat Martin Lawrence?

Codename: The Cleaner (Ugh!) is the epitome of Cedric's entertainment values. Imagine The Bourne Identity meets Big Momma's House 2. It is so motherfucking bad that it hurts NOT to disembowel it in my trademark verbose nature. Codename: The Cleaner is the absolute worst example of cinema since Employee of the Month, which was admittedly released 3 days ago. But this actually doesn't stand a chance with anyone. Not even the idiots of mainstream society will see this, mark my words on that one. This will succeed in no market, not the hugely loyal black streets community, not the dumbass comedy fanclubs, not even the 12 year old little shits that think they're so cool for sneaking into PG-13 movies. Even they will somehow sense to stay clear of this pile of stank.

What's so groundshaking for me is that this script, which involves our Cedric dressing as some bellhop gone wrong and performing in a troupe of similarly donned retarded men, attracted Lucy Liu and Nicollette Sheridan to play major roles. Ok, Lucy Liu has done some fucking horrid movies in her past, but Nicollette Sheridan has no excuse. What is her reasoning behind the selection of this project? Can't be her interest in the role. She plays the wife of Cedric The Entertainer. The only thing I can come up with is that she became so jealous and enraged at the other Desperate Housewives for branching into films that she decided she wanted a piece of the motion picture pie, so she threw hundreds of scripts onto the floor and put her hand on one at random. "Oh goodie, Codename: The Cleaner it is!" Either her agent was fired for trying to stop her from doing this, or her agent should be fired for allowing her to do it.


Look, another day, another complete anus of a movie trailer. It seems that lately, the only decent trailers are coming from foreign lands. Come on America and affiliating English speaking countries. Don't write any movie that could be percieved as a potential starring vehicle for Cedric The Entertainer. Just don't do it, and this sort of box office crisis can be averted. You don't have to be Cedric The Fucking Rocket Scientist to figure that out!

Codename: The Cleaner - New Line Cinema
Anticipation Level: Stay unreleased. Please!
Look out for: Nicollette Sheridan at the beginning and end of her post-Housewives movie career.
US Release date: 5th January, 2007.
Trailer Source

More Like 'Sweet BLAND'!!! hehehe he he

'Swear to god, Sweet Land has THE most boring trailer I've ever seen.
No contest.
Actually, there probably have been worse, but that possibility makes no excuses for a long, slow trailer exhausted from its own tedium. Even writing about it is nullifying my brain and making me lethargic. In fact, I'm so nullified by the Sweet Land trailer I'm not even sure if the word 'nullify' means what I think it means, and am too drained to Google it to find out.
I'm so bored of this film that I'm just going to write about some little tidbits I find exciting and interesting to stimulate my mind. Fuck Sweet Land. As if you wanted to know about it anyway. And I in no way intend to talk about the movie any further.

Well, Uwe Boll has announced his next project after the release of his 15 other upcoming films adapted from video games. Bloodrayne 2! This time Kristanna Loken will be topless in the Wild West, not Transylvania. Being a gigantic Boll fan, I'm completely overjoyed that he's finally started a franchise to call his own. Here's hoping for a third!!!

The Departed and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning were released in US theatres this weekend, and the big question anybody who're anybodies are asking is for whom do the spoils of the box office belong to. I tell you what, if The Departed doesn't get #1 spot, I'm going to be severely disappointed and depressed in North American demographics. Not that I hold them in the highest regard as it is. Hopefully my faith is rewarded.
If TTCM:TB triumphs, it would be the biggest blow to Martin Scorsese since every subsequent year he got snubbed at the Oscars. (Dances With Wolves won over Goodfellas... It happened!) It's enough to bring you to your knees and cry in a parallel position to two podiums carrying symbols of the crucifix and a wheat field.


Too specific? Damn you, Sweet Land.
What else? Ohh yeah, I watched Troll 2 for the first time last night, a movie that frequently and often on a daily basis, tops IMDb's Bottom 100 list. And yeah, it really is that bad, but surprisingly one of the most entertaining movies you could possibly hope for given the subject matter. Two thumbs way up.

Is it just me, or is Ludacris' acting career blossoming too efficiently? He's a rapper. A rapper turned actor. An actor who raps. A rapping actor! For christ's sake! He's in so many high profile movies, including Crash (which was a completely underwhelming, undeserving and undistinguished selection for 2005's Best Picture). Someone needs to seperate the rapping world from the acting world. When your ending credits contain individuals with singular names, you know you've gotta take some action.
By the way, Ludacris isn't in Sweet Land. That would add too much variation in the rigid community that resides on the sweet sweet land in Sweet Land.

Personally, I don't see what's so sweet about it. It's mostly barren, and sometimes charred crops and one shitty house, which must be like a convent or a parish or something, because there's priests and nuns alike hitting around a baseball smack dab in the middle of this boring as fuck trailer. Not to mention the absolute racism that runs rife throughout the farm. God forbid a lady should be German, it's probably best you exile her from your Sweet Land. Oh god, I'm talking about the movie! I better stop now.

Sweet Land - Libero
Anticipation Level: Low.
Look out for: Ha. Haha. Funny.
US Release date: 13th October, 2006.
Trailer Source

Just What This Blog Was Lacking; Another Post Title With A Semicolon In It

'Calvaire' is the Belgian word for 'ordeal.'
And I can't think of a better way to describe this somewhat basic, but extremely mysterious Euro-horror film. It is quite simply an ordeal. Not in the negative "God, sitting through 2004's remake of Taxi starring Queen Latifa and Jimmy Fallon was an ordeal" sense of the word either. More like "Holy shit, that's one of the most bizarre and chilling things I've ever seen" type of ordeal. Which is just how I like my ordeals. Nice and damaging (that's not to say watching Taxi wasn't damaging. That's not to say that at all).

The trailer to Calvaire is absolutely fantastic. It sets up the situation well, detailing a lone guy getting lost in the woods and accepting help from a local who then proceeds to blow up his car and take our protagonist prisoner. Basic, really basic stuff. But the real challenge to the trailer is the fact we have to work out the rest. And believe me, that's no easy feat.
Who is this ruthless torturer? What are his motives? As the trailer progresses, I think we'll all quickly realise this is no ordinary 'catch and release and pursue and traumatize' horror movie.
For me, it holds the audience's hand through it's introduction, downplaying to explain the story, setting up the complication and so on. And then it suddenly lets go, and you're on your own from then on.

The trailer just keeps getting stranger and stranger, and by the very end, it looks so scarily fucked up that I just have to see it. Which is exactly how trailers should always work. Using vagueness, suspense and curiosity as an advantageous technique means that everyone wins. Yet it gets overlooked often in favour of showcasing a film's more impressive money shots to try and draw in audiences. Still effective, but flawed to a degree.

I still have no idea what Calvaire is actually about, the visceral images can only hint me in an extremely diluted direction. All I know is it somehow involves pigs and really, really, really freaky people dancing. Actually, its less of a dance as it is some rhythmic sway in unison set to an ultra-unsettling piano motif. Yeesh.


Calvaire - Palm Pictures
Anticipation Level: High.
Look out for: The dance of the frightening yokels. Very much looking forward to an explanation.
US Release date: 25th August, 2006.
Trailer Source

Just What This Blog Was Lacking: Another Indie Sex Comedy!!

Let me tell you something. Just because you've got the money to make an independent movie, just because you don't have the pressure of a major studio looming over you, just because you have more creative and artistic freedom DOES NOT automatically obligate you to go down the raunchy comedy avenue. It's an all too familiar avenue, an avenue lined with hookers and bedroom toy shops. Surely there's a gigantic well of ideas and stories to tap into when it comes to independently financed movies. Just because it can't exactly be high concept, doesn't mean you have to result in low brow.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you have a spare couple million lying around the house and you want to make a film, try and set yourself apart from what everyone else is doing. Take the road less travelled. Be a rebel, start a revolution. Spread the word that low screen counts and little to no publicity aren't just for films that show the lighter side of intercourse anymore. We're gonna take back what's ours.

Look, even explaining the plot for The Amateurs is almost as pointless as its existance, but for the purpose of an adequate word-count, Im'a gonna give it a go. Jeff Bridges, Ted Danson, Joe Pantoliano among others are no-good losers that decide to produce a porno movie (as you do, naturally). But they have no women to star in it, so they go search for some.
There you have it folks. Dynamic, money-making cinema at its finest.
Jeff Bridges... Ted Danson... I mean, come on. Where did these old hobo 'comedians' find the time to make this movie in between their extremely hectic schedules, juggling between their direct-to-DVD slate, their TV-movie slate, starring in doomed sitcom pilots named after themselves AND squeegying cars on the Interstate? Busy men! I'd take my hat off to them, but I'm not wearing a hat. And even if I was, I was only joking, they deserve no acts of respect and their careers are as dead as Rin Tin Tin. And that's pretty dead.

Something tells me that even if there was no script to guide them, and no camera pointed at them, they would still act in this same loserish way. No wonder they got the parts, they probably nailed the role by unwittingly stumbling into the audition room searching for cigarette butts after spending the night in the alley next door.
And what's with Patrick Fugit!? Boy, has he really let himself go, or what? He was some skinny teenager last time I saw him. Now he's some porky 50 year old geek. Yeah, that's a transition that seems well worth it. Hope he didn't destroy his youth just for this movie. Not even Jeff Bridges would get that desperate. OH WAIT, noone can even remember Bridges' youth. Especially Bridges.
Jeff gives an hypnotically painful performance here. I mean, just chillingly awful. How can such a loser play a loser so unconvincingly? He's even pathetic at being pathetic. He fails at failure. Now, you've got to be pretty damn fucking awful to do that.
Finish all that off with a greasy, stinky mullet that he flings around like he has the credibility of a Pantene model, and you've got an even slightly more pathetic Jeff Bridges with a dated haircut.

A note to anyone putting up money to finance what you might think is a really funny movie based on a script about penises and breasts and depraved men with no lives who think they have a chance with Lauren Graham and in the end probably defy the odds and end up with her, go into the medicine cabinet and eat everything inside it. Done that? If successful, that's one less freaking sex comedy I'll have to waste my time trying to differentiate from the great pile of them that have amassed with influx lately to this blog.


Never forget the rule of thumb: Sex* sells.

* Excludes sex with or relating to Jeff Bridges.

The Amateurs - Bauer Martinez Entertainment
Anticpation Level: Low.
Look out for: Nuh, nothing here. Oh, but I will use this space to put up a question to anyone who might know the answer. I've always wanted to know this: Why are pornos always in big cardboard boxes? I mean, its just a tape or DVD right? Why are the boxes so bulky and large? Please, I'd like to know this.
US Release date: 15th January, 2007.
Trailer Source

Russia; The Globe Thanks You

Thank you for the AK-47 model. Thank you for the vodka. And maybe most importantly, especially for the purposes of this post, thank you for your morbid version of gambling, Russian roulette.
Oh yes, nothing raises the stakes more than a game of chance with your very life. It's what seperates the men from... well, cadavres. But is there anyone out there that isn't fascinated by the whole activity? Is there anyone that wouldn't give into curiosity and buy a few tickets to a tournament if it really were an underground spectator sport? Or moreso, would you actually enter it yourself?

Well, seeings as that isn't really a question that holds much of a position in most of the civilised world, the absolute next best thing is 13 (Tzameti), a film about Russian roulette. And when I say it looks like the most tension-packed movie in a very long time, that just may be an understatement.

First off, the title is really weird, because 'tzameti' actually means 'thirteen' in Georgian. So then the film is called 13 Thirteen. It's an odd one, but it may still make sense. The number 13 seems to be quite prolific in the trailer, appearing as door numbers and on the shirts of roulette contestants, as well as other places. I can only assume the number will pop up quite a lot throughout the actual movie.

The film is black and white, and this seems very much suited to the dark subject matter. Colour would be merely a distraction to this world of easy money and easy killing, so I'm all for it. The trailer alone is so motherfucking tense, and I mean, so tense it affected me in a really refreshing and terrifying way. I was all clenched up, staring at the light bulb, witnessing and experiencing the terror in the faces of the unwitting corpses-to-be as they held their hand-cannon to the man next to them. When the bulb lights up, it's lights out for some. Who survives the round isn't revealed, but it's certainly grabbed me by my adrenal gland and pulled me into its world. I simply can't wait to check this out in it's entirety. This is the type of cinema I love most of all, a product that I know will change me somewhat and move me in a certain way for its running time and beyond.

If I have one complaint about the trailer, however, it's the absolutely horrendous voice-over at the end. "THIRRRTEEN ZzzAMEDDI". Ewwww. What a cheap sounding, gross male voice. It doesn't even sound natural. It sounds like one of those voice simulators packed in with Windows XP. Yuck.
Ruined the whole thing for me. What a bastard. If you're reading right now, 13 (Tzameti) trailer voice-over man, I hate you! You're lucky I don't know who you are or where you live, because if I did, you'd have had your voice-box brutally removed by a break-and-enter attack while you slept one night....

Nevertheless:
Thank you Russia. And thank you Georgia. Thank you 13 (Tzameti).


13 (Tzameti) - Palm Pictures
Anticipation Level: Very high.
Look out for: Look, the whole trailer is a MUST SEE. It's totally affecting. Just try and ignore the voice-over guy at the end.
US Release date: I've been looking out for this for a while, and I was shocked to discover it has already had a US release back on 28th July, 2006, although only in one city.
Trailer Source

The Seemingly Golden Rule of Satire: Defame McDonalds Restaurants

McDonalds to me cops such an unfair rap from any and every source of the public. It's not their fault that they have become the leaders in fast food restaurant chains, and thus, become the image of grease and poor nutrition and a nation of fat fucks.
I really resent how people seem to care about how bad McDonalds is for them, and they really enjoy pointing out every last fault in a McDonalds menu according to dietary guidelines, yet they don't apply the same level of scrutiny to everything else they put in their mouth. It's not like McDonalds is the devil of foodstuffs, and everything else is just fantastic and A-OK. Where there's smoke, there's fire, as the old saying goes. Or to put that into a more appropriate context: Where there's bad food, there's A LOT of bad food.

Morgan Spurlock thought it would be a really neato idea to devote 30 days of his life to prove once and for all what any nutritionist could prove (with evidence) in 1.2 seconds. Supersize Me probably turned something like, 11 people off ever eating McDonalds again. McDonalds' failure to find a position in a healthy human's diet doesn't compell or surprise anyone. People know that fatty foods = fatter you. There's not one person taking a bite out of a Big Mac thinking that it's a healthy lunch. And the really gallant thing is, McDonalds have never sought to deny this fact. Yet still, they are constantly blamed for the obesity epidemic and the sheer lack of restraint of a heavy population. McDonalds just sell the burger. Once it's out of their hands, it's the consumers right to decide what to do with it.

This supposedly all means nothing however, another movie seeking to expose even more nasty facts about fast food is here. It's Fast Food Nation, this time by Richard Linklater, who I actually have a fondness of. But with this, I think he's taking a slight misstep. It's not that I'm a massive McDonalds fanboy, I'm not. And it's not that I think traces of feces in a burger patty isn't an alarming issue, but nevertheless, this is clearly a menial exercise. It's basically a series of gross-out sketches based in and around a family restaurant, taking major potshots at a legitimate, traditional business. All the teenagers are incompetent and funny-looking. All the marketing department are sleazy people with small hearts. And apparently, having illegal Mexican aliens working in a factory is meant to be really shocking and appalling. I mean, really, ask yourself; What corporative factory doesn't have illegal immigrants working in them? They can be hard-working people, you know. It doesn't automatically mean the food they have a hand in preparing is going to be of horrible quality.


To me, this is sort of in the vein of Thank You For Smoking, but at least in that movie, it had the wit to not only satirize and make a political point, but also defend the tobacco industry from the lashings it gave out. Fast Food Nation seems to take a very one sided approach in scaring us from having our own opinion and our own right to decide what to put into our bodies.
So, once again, I doubt that this will deter anyone from actually abandoning convenience. Because in this day and age, convenience overrules pretty much everything, even when it comes to selecting a target to build a satirical film around.


Fast Food Nation - Fox Searchlight Pictures
Anticipation Level: Low-Medium.
Look out for: Greg Kinnear in his typical, typical, obvious role chatting with a food scientist about flavouring. It's mildly amusing.
US Release date: 20th October, 2006.
Trailer Source

Welcome To Cheapsville

Well, now I really am emotionally stirred up. My thick, baudy wall of figurative mud-thatch that I had been creating for all my post-pubescant years has been severely damaged to near collapse. The Waltzing Anna trailer is so cheap looking and transparently pitiful that is has cast my thoughts back to watching those dreadful Health videos in Year 9. Oh my gahd.
Curse thee, Waltzing Anna. Waltz all you will, but that doesn't change the fact that your waltz is for the no-good end result of an underproduced, money-starved, university film student festival quality heartstring tugger. Curse on thee.

I really resent movies that try to promote themselves on how heart-warming they are. That's basically saying "See this movie, because the ending can be guessed before you see it, thus you don't have to think." Is there a person out there that would want to see a movie because you desperately crave to see an annoying wrong-doer have senior citizens teach him how to be a flawless humanitarian? Maybe the residents of Utah, USA. But even that's a bold stretch.

Another thing, besides the sappy outcome, is very obvious; this movie was written by someone who thinks those jokes that old people tell are funny. Ever had an old person that barely knows World War 2 is over try and tell you something funny? It's awful. They always forget the punchline, so that extends the whole joke about 20 minutes until they can remember the ending, and you spend the whole time trying to work out the ending before the old person, and then the old person finally gets it and it's probably an eightieth as funny or logical as the one you came up with. People's humour evaporates with their sex cells.

Only it seems the writer of Waltzing Anna didn't get the memo, and a slew of vacant old fossils walking around with their pants down and jokes about bedpans proves it. Oh, and that dumbass elderly man that says some bad line like "See you at the nursing home, young man" and then blows a raspberry. I name him Cringeworth. He, alone, was a massive blow to one of the most crucial foundations to my not so impregnable wall of introvertedness.

Some may argue that Waltzing Anna isn't funny because it isn't supposed to be a comedy, it's a romantic weepie story. But, my god people, it has Artie Lange in it!!! And by the way, what is with the main character's 90's era boyband hair!?
The title character, Anna, has Alzeimer's and all she seems to be able to do is lift her hand and watch it droop. Is it just me, or is it really hard to sympathise with someone that has no personality due to the symptoms of an illness? I mean, if it were your mother, yes. You'd have known who she was your whole life. But to walk into a theatre and be introduced to some old bag of bones in a nighty that shits her own bedsheets and doesn't know who the hell anyone is, how can we be expected to find that endearing? Euthanize the bitch and bypass the watery-eyed ending (and the postcard-perfect character arc for the main doctor while you're at it.)

If and/or when I'm shipped off to a nursing home, I'll be damn sure to reconstruct my Wall and set the generalisation of seniors straight. No bingo, no political radio, no yellowed page novels about navy boats. Just good old fashioned abusing, then euthanising of Alzheimer's patients. Ahh, poor, impressionable old folk. You are sheep who have lost their way, allow me to shephard you to my will!


Waltzing Anna - Kindred Media Group
Anticipation Level: Low
Look out for: Anna pretending to be absent from any basis of reality. And aaaall the old people pretending to be quirky and distinct from each other and to have their own gimmick, but they are just the one in the same aged entity.
US Release date: Back on 11th August, 2006.
Trailer Source

The Month That Was - September, 2006

There were 25 trailers reviewed in the last month.

Of that 25:

Ten reviews were POSITIVE.
Fifteen were NEGATIVE.

Positive - The Reaping, Curse of the Golden Flower, Haven, 10th and Wolf, Flyboys, Catch a Fire, Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus, Jackass: Number Two, The Oh in Ohio, Marie Antoinette.

Negative - Sleeping Dogs Lie, The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, Lady in the Water, The Last King of Scotland, Driving Lessons, Flicka, Running With Scissors, Volver, Stranger Than Fiction, The U.S. versus John Lennon, Home of the Brave, Eragon, American Hardcore, Mini’s First Time, Beerfest.

Two were rated a HIGH anticipation level.
One was rated a MEDIUM-HIGH anticipation level.
Four were rated a MEDIUM anticipation level.
Three were rated a LOW-MEDIUM anticipation level.
Nine were rated a LOW anticipation level.
Four were rated a STAY UNRELEASED anticipation level.
Two were rated a STAY UNRELEASED. PLEASE! anticipation level.

Best of the Month - Marie Antoinette
Runners Up: Curse of the Golden Flower, Jackass: Number Two

The Bobcat Goldthwaite Dishonour Award (Worst of the Month) – Sleeping Dogs Lie
Runners Up: Running With Scissors, Beerfest

Most Generic – Flicka
Runners Up: Home of the Brave, Beerfest

Most Original – Marie Antoinette
Runners Up: Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus, Curse of the Golden Flower

Most Anticipated Film – Curse of the Golden Flower
Least Anticipated Film – Sleeping Dogs Lie


A Word from Ryan: I would just like to take this opportunity to thank all of you that have either read or briefly skimmed my blog in the past month. I'm having a really great time writing it, and to be honest, you're enjoyment really does come as a second priority. However, for others to read and strongly disagree with everything I say is just an added bonus. So thanks to all.
Also, please allow me to address the completely unexpected outcry about my fairly harsh comments regarding Sleeping Dogs Lie and Bobcat Goldthwaite. To those who have commented in disgust, I have acknowledged what you're saying. I shouldn't judge a film by it's trailer, that is a completely warranted statement that I agree with. Nevertheless, I have judged the film by its trailer, and that judgement is pretty unflattering to say the least. Now, when I see the movie, I'll make sure I report back to fully make my mind up about the entire picture with a diminished bias. Don't worry, I'm not completely finished with Sleeping Dogs Lie just yet.

Anyways, here's to another month! Stay in touch, and together we can bring about change!